Over and Out
by 13.shimer.13
Summary: This is another version of Bella seducing Edward! If you like it, I meant it to be this way! If you don't like it, I'm just making fun of the plot! M for innuendo and language... Alice predicts you reviewing even if you think it's rubbish .
1. And So It Begins

Seducing Edward

Disclaimer: I don't own the plot, I don't own the characters. I own a chocolate chip cookie!

Chapter 1

Dear Diary,

Today was another exciting day in Forks. We- Alice, Rosalie, Esme and I- were on our own. The boys had gone "shopping" and I was looking forward to some girl time. I would dearly miss Edward, eventually, but for now I was quite content to be without him.

You may be thinking "Why on _earth_ is she writing a diary?" but I can promise it tells a story. I must first say I have never kept a diary before this point in time. Esme, Alice and Rosalie- the very fiends who got me into this mess- insisted.

I wonder what Edward would think if he read this diary? If he finally got the insight to my mind he so dearly craves. Would he be shocked? It was, of course, rather ironic really! If he did indeed read this diary (as he most probably would) he would find the very adolescent thoughts he blocked out everywhere he went. I knew I would get intimae thoughts as I attempted the near impossible… seducing Edward.

Because this is my seducing Edward diary.

Isabella -Please call me Bella- Marie Swan

Over and out.


	2. I Blame It On

Seducing Edward

Disclaimer: I don't own the plot, I don't own the characters. I own a chocolate cake!

Chapter 2

Dear Diary,

You may be wondering how I managed to get into this situation. I too find myself wondering the same thing, though on reflection, it isn't odd. Under the influences of alcohol and a laughing fit, there was no doubt of me agreeing to this exciting, albeit unexpected challenge.

What I find the most shocking and disturbing, is the fact that it was Esmes' idea! _Esme_, my sweet, innocent mother like figure! When Edward comes back I will be seducing him, knowing it was _Esmes_' idea! The very idea makes me shudder in horror! My fears are worse than this, I must admit. I can't help but remember that Edward is a vampire and could kill me at any moment. Edward would be angry at this but, the thing is… I don't care if he kills me!

However, I digress. What I was talking about was how I got into this. I was sleeping over at the Cullen's house (as I said in my last entry) and we were chatting about our other halves. "Jasper is no doubt the best kisser" insisted Alice as I giggled. A lot of dirt had been revealed and it turned out the Cullen's had over the years managed to stock up some interesting scandals (by the end of the night I had learnt; Edward and Rosalie had snogged once and came to the conclusion it was gross, Alice and Carlisle had briefly had crushes on one another, while Jasper and Esme had shagged I always wondered why Esme was just that bit nicer to Jasper than the others…. In compensation Esme and Jasper let Carlisle and Alice 'sleep' together. Emmett and Edward had kissed once, both trying out the other side and quickly deciding it wasn't for them. In fact… In someway or another they had all kissed or done 'it' together).

Alice kept giving me drinks and I was soon feeling drunk and rather giddy. "So…" trailed off Rosalie. "Yeah?" I asked, laughing for no reason. She hesitated, debating with herself about something. She quickly made up her mind. "Have you and Edward… done anything yet?" I (being quite slow and drunk) missed the important part. "Like what?" I asked curiously. "Sex!" blurted out Alice. I gazed at her with startled eyes "Edward's a stubborn gentleman who absolutely refuses to even _talk_ about it!" I lamely mumbled, blushing furiously. Esme grinned and said "I know what you can do," Alice squealed in excitement. "Esme, it's perfect!" Rosalie cackled evilly to add to the horror of the moment (though I _was_ drunk so I may have just imagined that part. Oh well!). "You can seduce him!" cried Esme. I stared at her "Say what?" I started to question her sanity. Alice sighed impatiently. "You are going to seduce Edward! It'll be fun silly!" Esme clapped her hands together "Ooh! And you need to keep a diary! Then at the end you'll have a souvenir of your achievement!" I passed out.

Thus began this terrifying and abnormal mission that I am now stuck in. I blame Esme. And Alice. And Rosalie. And Renee and Charlie for birthing me… ew, gross mental images! Well, I have to go to sleep (and try not to have nightmares) now so… 'Night diary!

Isabella –please, god, help me through this- Marie Swan

Over and out.

A/N: ok so, cookies go to;

-XxTWILIGHTfreakxX-, for being my first reviewer! Ps. I dedicate this chapter to you!

la mia stella, I hope this was a quick enough update?

give me more muffins, I thank you for thinking it would be interesting, I hope it is!

Katieo9239, I plan to continue this!

Thanks to Anonymous for giving me assurance of your liking of it, I find it important!

And finally… xxTunstall Chickxx, I will strive to keep writing!

Also a massive thanks to everyone who put my story on their favourite list, and who subscribed to the story (even if you didn't review. You know who you are!) And pulls a guilty face I need to apologise for all my spell ing mistakes, I forgot to check for typos last time but I have this time! Oh yeah…… REVIEW!


	3. I yearn 4 my VBF, Or my stomach churns?

Seducing Edward

Disclaimer: I do not own the plot; I do not own the characters. I own brownies!

Chapter 3

Dear Diary,

Edward comes back today! It will be the first day of my seductive prowess being put to use and I'm positively dreading it. Alice has no idea of what I'm doing because… neither do I! Well, I may have an idea or two; however it's not decided yet. That's how Alice doesn't know what I'm doing.

In an hour, I must let Alice know what I'm doing so she can go organise it. In the meanwhile, she'll have to deal without information, like everyone else normally does. Rosalie has given me a few tips for the future and we seem to be getting along well. Esme has been bugging me just as much as Alice if not more, trying to get details out of me. This is quite sickening. Write to you soon Diary, wish me luck!

Isabella- Edward's coming back- Swan

Over and out.

A/N: Ok so, chocolate cake goes to;

xxTunstall Chickxx - I'm very sorry for not updating quickly smiles guiltily

beautyattempt – wait patiently, the seducing should come quickly if everyone reviews 

And to BandWhore2011 – Your opinion is important to me and so I will continue!

 to all of you who have reviewed, and thanks to those of you who have favourited and subscribed to me and my story (even if you still haven't got around to reviewing. I know that there is a perfectly good reason as to why I only got three last chapter.).

Remember, if you review, the seducing starts quicker! Also here's a taster for the net chapter:

"_No Bella! Don't put it on Youtube! Edward would kill you!"_

"_Put what on you tube?" asked a melodic voice._


	4. And So We Made Sweet Love

Seducing Edward

Disclaimer: I do not own the plot; I do not own the characters. I own a large tub of mint-choc-chip ice cream!

Chapter 4

Dear Diary,

I'm back! Today I had my first attempt at seducing Edward; it was… interesting.

So, Alice went shopping at Victoria's Secret, I got Rosalie to select some music for The Performance and I made Esme make me lunch. It was very delicious, though it wasn't really part of the plan to seduce Edward… never mind!

Then, exactly 5 minutes before Edward and the others came back, we got into a circle and pretended we were playing truth or dare. Alice shot me a fake glare, pretending I had played a part in her 'torturous dare' she had had to do. Really there was no dare, but we were pretending Rosalie had dared her to kiss me. "Bella," she started dramatically. "I dare you to do a sexy dance wearing nothing but your undies!" she giggled manically, the signal that Edward was watching, though to an outsider it would look as if she felt she had done something completely evil to me. I blushed, Edward was watching! It seemed too good to be true! Rosalie gave an encouraging smile that gave me the strength to say my scripted line. I had planned this performance and I would see it through or die trying!

I drew in a shaky breath and said my line casually "Don't I need music?" Esme laughed and I knew she would be thinking dirty thoughts like I had asked her to. I drew in another ragged breath and imagined everyone else was in their underwear. Diary, is it odd that this made it easier to perform? Should Edward be worried? My mind cleared as I got into my performing state. I was now prepared to give the performance of a life time. During this time Rosalie had found the music she had searched for earlier on that day. This was nerve wracking, because I had let Rosalie have complete control on what music it was. She pressed play and the song came on. I giggled a bit as I realised what song it was. It was the song 'No one', by Alicia Keys and I adored the it!

I slowly unbuttoned my shirt, revealing the bra. It was a blue, lacy design and I felt rather pretty wearing it. When the buttons were undone I shrugged out of the shirt and started to slowly remove my jeans. I wriggled out of them and I heard Alice and Esme giggle. They could obviously see Edward, but they both appeared to be looking at me. I started dancing, swinging my hips in time to the music. I gave a turn, spinning around a few times and hearing gasps of breath from outside. I reached down to my toes 

jerkily, flaunting my body for all to see. I jiggled about and heard a stiffled laugh from Rosalie. It would appear that Edward was enjoying the dance. I wondered if he would crack, Diary, I really did, but when the dance was over and I had dressed again, there was no sign of Edward coming in. I should have known that my job would be harder than that! The girls and I shared a couple of hysterical giggles and I retrieved the hidden video camera I had sneakily hidden to record my performance. I now knew what Edward's birthday present was going to be! Or we could put it on Youtube…

"No Bella! Don't put it on Youtube! Edward would kill you!" Alice screamed. Esme and Rosalie laughed with me. I mean, the idea of Edward killing me on purpose was one of extreme comedy! "Put what on Youtube?" asked a melodic voice. I couldn't help it, I blushed. I mean, EDWARD- the very person we had just agreed would kill me for putting a sexy dance on Youtube- had just walked in and heard the whole discussion! Of course I blushed! I could see this conversation was getting nowhere and so I did the first thing that came into my mind.

"Edward!" I yelled, running for a hug. His arms surrounded me protectively in a way I had come to miss when he was away. What I had missed more was the long, passionate kisses we shared. Speaking of which… Edward drew me into a long, passionate kiss and held it until I was no longer breathing. Hell- I no longer _wanted_ to breathe! "Put her down Edward, she can't breathe!" scolded Esme. Edward let me breathe for a couple of seconds before pulling me back into a kiss. I deepened it just a bit by moving my body up against his. He didn't attempt to stop me; in fact he deepened it too. And then we made sweet love to each other… well, no, we didn't, but a girl can dream!

Isabella- I'm still dreaming- Swan

Over and out.

A/N: Ok, so brownies are rewarded to;

Me (an anonymous reviewer, not me, 13shimer13) - Lol, I like the idea of a story in diary format too! Though I have never kept a diary before this, and this isn't even about me! Thanks for reviewing!

Flossiemae- Thank you! I shall continue!

Tisti94- I'm sorry that the chapters have been short, I'll work on that!

Ilovetoreadyea- Is this super fast or what? Well, no, it isn't, but it was a rhetorical question! I _love_ rhetorical questions and I love you guys! You cheer me up!

DatBengaliFinesse- I appreciate the enthusiasm! Thanks for reviewing!

Matt-On-Matt- He he, I have updated (obviously because you are reading this) and I hope it satisfies you!

And last but not least; xxTunstall Chickxx- I put you last because you said in your review "Poor Edward. Or actually, no, I think he might enjoy it... (Smiles evilly)" which brings me onto my next point… do you want the next chapter to be in **Edward's POV **(Point of view). Review and tell me/click on my penname to do the poll! I will keep writing as always, so thanks for reviewing. P.S. I don't have writers block, I do it to torture you all! See, isn't it fun?

Many thanks to those of you who favourited and subscribed to me (though I can't imagine why you did. I'm grateful and happy though, so don't stop!) and because I'm feeling nice, you also get brownies! 


	5. we could be shagging happily

Seducing Edward

Disclaimer: I don't own the plot; I don't own the characters. I do own a large bowl of chocolate mousse!

Chapter 5

Dear Diary,

The mission is as frustrating as usual; Edward shows no sign of caving, though of late I've been wearing more, ahem, _revealing_ clothing. Fortunately I have a plan to remedy this! Tonight will be one of the biggest hits so far, better even than my dancing the other day! A draw back is that I have had to tell Jasper and Emmett about my mission so they can help me with tonight's plan. Like true Cullen's, they have rose to the challenge marvellously and so my evil plan is in progress!

I'm quite worried though; Edward is clever and if he gets too suspicious he may investigate and find out what's going on. As a result he may lose faith in me which would be terrible as I really do love him. Diary, I just wish that he would give in. I mean, if he would just give in we could be happily shagging right now! But _no_ we must have stupid _boundaries_ and _must not get you killed Bella_, because (and this I quote!) _"I have grown quite fond of you Bella and would prefer you alive,"_! Oh, the shame! Do you see Diary? Do you _see_ just how hard it is to be around Edward when he gets like this? I think I should have just become a nun. There would be so much less heartbreak.

Edward has just entered the room. I've changed my mind; heartbreak is definitely worth not being in a nunnery if Edward always looks this perfect. Edward has just smiled at me, I think I will melt! I must go before my thoughts aren't lucid any more…

Isabella- that's not my name!- Swan

Over and out.

A/N: Mint Ice cream goes out to;

xxTunstall Chickxx- I have updated! YAY!! Lol, nobody did my poll, so it's just going to be Bella's POV throughout the story! And yes, my evil plan DID work! I made you all wait for a miniscule piece of writing that makes you want more… MWAHAHAHAHA!! (breathe in… breathe out… and again…)

DatBengaliFinesse- I am sorry you have/had a fever! I hope this makes you feel better or happy!

Me- The Brownies _were_ delicious, weren't they? I too enjoyed them! Thanks for the rhetorical question, I do so love them! And I must thank you for the mouth wateringly edible chocolate cake you gave me! It made me go "mmm…"!

FanFicWriterWhoForgotToSign… I have kept writing as you may see!

Paperandfire- Hallo to you too! Why didn't you do my poll? Then there wold have been Edward's point of view all around! Oh well!

BandWhore2011- Thanks : !!

Matt-On-Matt- I know! But the story would have been a bit short at only 4 chapters, and Edward is so much better at resisting than that!

EdwardLover44- Here's your next fix, though it's not much (this is because I like to torment my readers! It's very fun!

If I get 10 reviews or more I will definitely update with the next chapter! So you now must review!


	6. LOME's, SBSP and a lotta lust

Seducing Edward

Disclaimer: I own a tub of white chocolate cookies, no plots and no characters. Sigh.

Chapter 6

Dear Diary,

I tried; I almost conquered; and it went terribly wrong. Here is what happened.

Alice and Rosalie had gone out shopping. Carlisle was working late at the hospital (_again_). Esme was hunting for the day. Emmett, Edward, Jasper and I were in the Cullen's living room watching **SpongeBob SquarePants **on their massive television. Man I love that program. So my plan was to drive Edward absolutely crazy . . . and, well. Ugh.

Never mind diary.

It's just too embarrassing.

Really.

I can't tell you diary!

Well.

Maybe I could tell you.

Alright, you've twisted my arm. So as fore mentioned, we were sitting in the living room just chilling out. Emmett made an excuse to leave just as I'd told him to earlier (he had an extremely insignificant role in my plan- all he had to do was get as far away from the house as possible and not come back for a while).

Jasper. Stupid, STUPID Jasper! It's his entire fault; he had one job to do- one! - And he screwed it up. Okay, okay diary. Back to the story, I know. Still.

I snuggled in close to Edward sighing as I watched SpongeBob and Patrick dance in Bikini Bottom. I giggled at the look on Squidward's face. Edward chuckled quietly, shaking his head slowly. "I don't quite understand your absurd obsession with this show Bella," Edward said, each word formed and pronounced perfectly in his velvety voice, his eyes speckled with both amusement and adoration. I grinned back. "You don't need to _understand _it. You have to live with it for the rest of eternity!" I explained with a smug smile. Poor Edward stood no chance . . . my love for SpongeBob is pure, diary. I mean, come on! He's a cute sponge that talks! And he has so many looks going for him . . . sigh. I'll bet _SpongeBob_ isn't afraid of getting some action unlike the LOME (Love of My Existence- AKA Edward).

Jasper (grr) watched SpongeBob without any motion. Hah. No emotion. And yet he controls emotions. What a strange boy. Ah well.

So. After much snuggling and watching, the commercials came on. Oh joy. BUT! Now it was time for my plan, my embarrassment. Ah, humility. How I hate it. The commercials were the signal. The second commercial was when the plan would strike. And just like that . . . BAM! The emotions hit me like a ton of heavy red bricks! Lust coursed through my veins and my blood boiled as all rational thought and self preservation ran out of the window.

Now. This was technically what I desired (no pun) from the plan. It's what I would have wanted, had that lust been directed at the right person. Because, the sorry truth of the matter was that it was not _Edward_ I ran after, body pumping with hormones, but _Jasper_. Why, oh WHY, diary? I did not; _do_ not like Jasper in that way. Hell, I'm not sure if I like him at all anymore. Because, diary, it is extremely not cool and embarrassing to run after a brother like figure like a love sick puppy who is possibly drugged and deranged and horny and . . . and to have your LOME watch it with a grin on his face and be laughing at you, it's just _so_ horrible. Diary, I hate this. Jasper didn't even direct the blooming emotions at the right person! _Edward_ was the one who was supposed to be chasing _me_ around. Hell, we were supposed to be locked up in a room together being extremely naughty right at this very moment.

But here I am; hiding from the world, writing in this diary and praying that this maroon colour on my face isn't permanent. And Edward is in the living room still- attempting to fix the broken living room and trying to calm down Jasper (hysterical with fear and laughter) and Emmett (mainly just hysterical and annoyed to have missed 'Bella trying to bite a vampire'. His words. Not mine.)- being ultra handsome and totally cool about the whole thing. He is annoyingly forgiving to me and said that it was Jasper's fault and not mine. Poor naïve Edward. He's being annoyingly nice to Jasper too. Ugh. Stupid Jasper.

And Alice. She had probably seen this whole mess and done absolutely nothing to stop it! Did she _want_ to make me look like a complete idiot in front of Edward? Oh yeah. I do that well without help. Silly Alice. Silly me.

You know what the worst part is, diary? I never got to finish watching the rest of **SpongeBob SquarePants .**

Isabella- ILY SpongeBob!- Swan

Over and out.

A/N: Hi guys! I'm b-a-a-ck! Did y'all miss me? I love you guys too . . . (translation: Hello, please _don't _kill me! I'm extremely sorry if you presumed I was dead . . .) So massive hugs to everyone who reviewed chapter 5; xxTunstall Chickxx (I wrote. Eventually), DatBengaliFinesse (now you know the plan, hope you enjoyed the ice cream and hope you will enjoy the mousse), AlisonWalnut620 (I made this one longer without combining days), paperandfire (W-O-W your name was LONG. Also, I've decided to just keep it at Bella's POV), Matt-On-Matt (I'm sincerely sorry. I had terrible writers block for AGES), an anonymous reviewer 'edward3' (Thank you for loving it : ) ) and Kiara212 (Yes, I DO know what you mean)! You also all get large bowls of chocolate mousse EACH!

Please forgive me. You must.


	7. Mature, Marvellous and Magical

Seducing Edward

Disclaimer: I no own!

Chapter 7

Dear Diary,

Ok. So I'm over my embarrassment about the SpongeBob issue.

Kind of.

And so, diary, I have come up with a new plan of attack! Esme thinks it's brilliant, which I guess should really freak me out but . . . I'm over it. That's right diary! I am the new and improved Bella Swan, mature, marvellous and . . . and . . . melodic? No, that's not the right word. Moronic? Mellow? Malicious? Murderous? Malaria? Ah, damn it, diary. I give up. There are no words to describe me! Yay!

Back to business now.

My plan. It will be soo good Edward will bow down before me and then stop being so darn obstinate. He will notice my extreme matureness and will take me out for Taco Bell! I mean, he'll let us be as one! Lovers at last . . . ooo-er! It sounds like some emo Shakespeare play!

And what is he on about, in any case?

And his names for plays were really uninventive! 'Romeo and Juliet'- hello? He's just named it after the character's names! Like, if someone wrote a play or a book about Edward and I, do you really think they'd call it 'Edward and Bella'? Nope, diary, they wouldn't. They would call it something much more exciting like: The Chronicles of Forks, or: Vampires of the USA, or: Bella Swan and the Sceptre of truth (but that's another story, isn't it?) or I guess they could settle for something like Twilight. It is Edwards's favourite time of day and my world does revolve around Edward . . .

Edward. The LOME I just love to love.

Where was I? Ah, yes, the plans for world destruction- nope! Those were the ones I needed to chat with Aro about . . . and I missed **that** meeting. What a shame.

So.

I bet you're just **dying** to know what my plan is.

Aren't you?

I thought so.

"Bella! Get your but down here **right now**!" oops! That was Alice. She is L-O-U-D sometimes. Well, all the time, really. But I like her voice, so it doesn't really matter how high pitched and squeaky it is. Much.

I'll tell you next time, diary, what my plan is. of course, by that time it'll probably be happening . . .

Isabella- Mature, Marvellous and magical!- Swan

Over and out.

Hello everybody! I shower the love onto the wonderful _**THREE**_ people who actually bothered to review on the _**LONGEST**_ chapter in the story! The rest of you had better review this one, or I'll kill off Bella (and in turn Edward, the wolf pack and the other Cullens.). so just review and make me SMILE- reviews are love.

Fleckpuppy- I thank you immensely for reviewing! You made me SMILE.

Matt-On-Matt- I have an idea of what's going on in the next chapter. I may even update a few weeks earlier than usual!

xxTunstall Chickxx- You rock. Seriously. I'm very sorry that I don't update quickly enough- I can't help it!

Here is a preview of the next chapter:

"_But Bella, you promised!"_

"_No, Alice, you _thought_ I promised. I never actually did."_

So review!


	8. Whipped cream and Slutty Undies!

Seducing Edward

Disclaimer: I no own.

Chapter 8

Dear Diary,

So I'll bet you're just **dying** to know what the plan is. Wait- I think I said that last time. Ah well. Basically, when Alice came back and rudely called me down stairs before I'd even had the chance to tell you the plan, she came bearing gifts for me to aid me in my quest.

I think you will be very shocked when you find out what was in that bag- I know I would have been had it not been for the fact that I was the one to ask for the items, which is surprising even to me!

Inside that bag there were chains, ropes and whipped cream. Oh, and a pair of slutty underwear (my latest night wear).

Now, don't have a heart failure, Diary! I can explain it all; the chains are actually bike chains and the rope is to replace some I borrowed to make a temporary skipping rope. The cream will go nicely on a cake I will be baking soon. The underwear? Nah, that's just slutty.

Why?

Were you thinking dirty thoughts, Diary? Get your mind out of the gutter! You don't think I'd ever use any of that in my other quest, the one to seduce Edward.

You thought I would?

Le gasp!

I would never do anything like **that**!

Even Alice didn't think that! Esme and Rosalie and Emmett did, but they just have dirty minds. I expected better from you diary . . .

So. The next part of my diabolical plan was to get a video camera and film my self. In my slutty underwear. Being flirty. You see, while Emmett, Esme, Carlisle, Rosalie and Edward were hunting and Jasper and Alice were shopping, I had been on the computer. And my hands might have accidentally typed in .com. A complete accident, I assure you! And I might have been curious as to what pushing different buttons and typing things in boxes did. All I can remember thinking was _press this, type that . . . fun . . . doughnuts . . . chocolate . . . Edward_.

It was fun. In any case, the end result was that I had an account under the name 'I3Edward'.

It was totally mystical.

So I uploaded two videos- the secretly filmed 'dare' video, and one I had composed my self, of my self. In my slutty underwear.

And so I waited for the comments to come rolling in . . .

Alice should have seen it coming- she's the mystical one! But she still insisted that she hadn't seen it coming- shame on Alice, shame!

So we had a lovely, friendly and icy chat. It went a little like this:

"Hello Bella," she chirped.

"Hello Alice," I mimicked.

"Have you been on _Youtube_ lately?" She asked curiously.

"Yes Alice, I think I have. It's quite . . . interesting on there. Have you been on there recently?" I replied with a smirk.

"Yes, Bella. I have. Do you know what I found particularly interesting on there?" She glared at me slightly and I had to stifle a laugh.

"No idea," I choked out, my eyes starting to sting with the effort of trying not to laugh.

"You put up two videos- one which I never knew existed! On a public broadcasting website!" She hissed angrily. I laughed without guilt now- this was just too funny!

"Yes, Alice, I did!" she pouted in response and then, seeing she was getting nowhere with this approach, tried another one I was all too familiar with; guilt trip.

"But Bella, you promised you wouldn't!" she whined her eyes wide with disappointment I knew all too well. But, you see, I'd had enough now.

"No, Alice, you **thought** I promised. I never actually did." And because it was the truth and I'm stubborn, I stuck to it and she left me to it. All in all, it was a great success in the 'Alice must back off' plan.

So there we have it. The next step in my diabolical plan. But I'm tired now diary, so I'll get into my slutty underwear and go to sleeeeep . . . zzzz.

Isabella- and her slutty underwear- Swan

Over and out.

Hey! This is officially the longest chapter, I think. So I got five reviews last time and guess what? I want at the very least ten this time, or I'll make Edward run away, startled by Bella's crazy plots to steal his virtue . . .

And here is my list of thanks:

INeedEdwardMoreThanLifeItself; I love your penname even if my spell check doesn't!

Fleckpuppy; I'm full of 'mystical surprises' as my version of Bella might say. Rule one of this story: the author is not only terrible at updating, but she also loves to rip the rug out from under your feet. It's a gift.

Em87ma; the 'Over and Out' is the fun part where I stop writing and leave you wanting more! SpongeBob rocks. I love him almost as much as I love Edward.

Saren Kol; I have no idea how many attempts it will take . . . I presume it will just happen when it does! And poor Edward would be traumatised to find out Esme was helping out all along (cue collective 'aww')

Matt-On-Matt; yes, I'm back! And I've updated once more!

**IMPORTANT MESSAGE:** To everyone who thinks I'm a bit nasty for with holding this chapter, I have to tell you that I have been obsessively writing a series called 'Speculations' and have been updating them almost daily. I have so far done; Edward, Rosalie, Carlisle, Jasper, Alice, Esme and Emmett (and in that order) and I'll be doing Bella tomorrow. So check out what I've been doing while neglecting this story, it's quite good (I think).

Also, it's my Birthday on Friday the 6th (nope. I won't tell you how old) and so I'd appreciate reviews!


	9. Llamas and Moans

Seducing Edward

Disclaimer: 13shimer13 is so poor she doesn't own anything but a laptop. That's all.

Warning: No Llamas were harmed in the making of this chapter. (Unless, of course, one of the Cullens ate them. Then they were killed brutally and used as sustenance.)

Chapter 9

Dear Diary,

I've been wearing my slutty underwear alllllllllll day! Edward has been drooling . . . tee hee! So have Emmett and Jasper, but Rose and Alice sorted them out pretty quickly. Right now, Edward's eyes are staring at my sluttily-enhanced chest . . . it's too fun. So (just for a laugh) I've started to breathe a lot more heavily and his eyes are following my chest up and down and up and down and up and down and up and- I'm bored.

Llamas!

I like Llamas, tee hee. In the middle of my slutty underwear (the bottom half) there's a picture of a Llama. It's just too cool, diary. Too cool.

So Edward's totally making eyes at me, Emmett and Jasper are in the dog house (literally. Rosalie built them one!), Carlisle and Esme have gone shopping (Cough HOTEL ROOM Cough) Alice is back at her mother ship (the mall) and Rosalie is . . . singing the Llama Song!

Yay!

I must join her! I must!

_Here's a Llama there's a Llama and another little Llama, Llama Llama tastes of Llama, Llama Llama Duck!_

"What Edward?" I asked, annoyed to be disrupted in the ritual of the Llama Song.

He moaned and stared at me lustfully. I raised my eyebrows. So _now_ he wanted to get it on!

"Bella," he whimpered.

"Yes, Edward?" I asked seductively (It is what I'm supposed to be doing, after all.)

"Make Rosalie stop singing! She's scaring me witless with her rubbish voice and the mental images of Emmett and her having . . . having . . . _sexual relations_ . . . with a Llama!" he moaned, filled with . . . terror? So he hadn't been moaning lustfully at all!

"Wait, you can do that?!" I breathed in awe before I could stop myself. Jeez, Bella, word-vomit much? Edward stared at me with wide eyes.

Oops?

Now, Edward should have been (metaphorically) shitting himself, but instead he started laughing his gorgeous head off! I started giggling with relief that he hadn't realised I'd been serious. He thought I'd made a witty joke designed to bring him out of his terrifiedness! How exciting!

And all of this has given me a new idea for _Youtube_! (Insert Evil laughter here).

Isabella- Off to _Youtube_, won't be long- Swan

Over and out.

A/N: ta dah! I updated (I must really love you guys since I didn't get ten like I wanted)! Major fun and funness. I liked this chapter, it was fun to write. I hope you enjoyed it too and are now going to REVIEW!

Here are the awesome reviewers of last chapter and my responses to your cool reviews:

Em87ma: Tee hee! You actually rock. The first ever reviewer to throw my own words, "Over and Out." Back at me! I beam at you! Also, thank you for congratulating me. It made me happy. And of course Bella bamboozled Alice! She's just cool like that.

Fleckpuppy: I won't make Edward leave . . . if you continue to review! (Yes, I am emotionally blackmailing you. No, I don't particularly care that I am shamelessly doing it.) And I try to make it as interesting as possible . . . it's great.

Matt-On-Matt: Thanks for Happy Early Birthday-ing me! It made me feel all warm and tingly reading that! And the actual seduction has started! Bella's been wearing provocative clothes and doing dances in front of Edward. I assume you mean the smexy parts. In which case, you'll just have to wait and see!

Bdawk: I thank you greatly for the review. Review again to get another chapter!

Xiloveedwardcullenx: every reader thought about something else when Bella talked about chains and ropes and whipped cream . . . and it probably would have worked, but I lie to tease you guys with my provocative and humorous words. You know you love it.

Here's a preview of the next chapter which I have ready for updating (but won't unless I get 10 reviews and I mean it this time.)

"_What the fuck, Bella?" I gulped as I stared into his enraged eyes. He knew._


	10. The Prince Edward Islands

Seducing Edward

Disclaimer: Twilight= Stephenie's. Diary= Mine!!!! Everything else you recognise is totally not mine.

Chapter 10

Dear Diary,

So I went on YouTube. You know that much, Diary. But what you don't know is what I was doing… and I'm not going to tell you, because it isn't relevant. Yet.

But today, diary, I've decided this is it. Edward and I are going to do _it_. We've been talking about it for some time, and I know that he's going to give in.

We're going on holiday!

Aren't you so happy for me? I knew you would be! I mean, Esme wasn't, she was counting on watching us like free porn when I finally convinced him.

But I know what I'm doing. Edward and I are going to go on holiday to Prince Edward Island! It's near Southern Africa and it's the cloudiest place in the world, so he can't really complain. And I know what I'm saying, because I Googled all of the information about the place on Google. And the only people there are the staff of some random meteorologist and biologist research station thingy, and they're on the other island near it that's called Marion Island.

Total privacy for who knows how many days! It will be completely blissful, I'm 100% positive of it. I mean, sure, the island's tiny, but it is named _Edward_, isn't it? So it must be fate.

But Edward's going to have to build us a house, because on Google it said it was really cold there, and I don't really like being cold. And because it's so small I doubt there are hotels, so he'll have to build me somewhere to live. And because he loves me, I know that Edward will build me a house if I want him to. We could get Alice to shop for all of the materials before we go. I'm sure she'd love to—after all, she's already brought me five bikinis and eight skimpy outfits and two pairs of sunglasses, so she'd better buy stuff for a house too as I don't want to get pneumonia and die before I've been with Edward. And Edward would build me a house there even if there are hotels, because, to be honest, we're just too strange.

Basically, Alice has a lot to buy before I go away. Which shouldn't be hard since she _is_ a vampire, but as I want us to leave before one in order to catch our flight and our boat, she has the tight limit of one and a half hours.

Judging by the loud and unnatural scream I can hear, Alice knows now.

Ah well. It was fun while the peace lasted. But now that it's over, I think I'll go and find Emmett. He's always good for a laugh, and he's my favourite near-brother.

But then again, it's raining, and I don't want to go out in the rain to see Emmett in his doghouse that he shares with the-unnameable-bad-one (known at large as Jasper, but all the cool people have stopped calling him that (Rosalie, Alice and me. Edward, Emmett, Carlisle and Esme still call him Jasper. Ugh.)) In favour of 'the-unnameable-bad-one', which is, surprisingly, becoming a hit.).

I hate the-unnameable-bad-one. He's such an idiot.

But my hate for him isn't really the subject at hand right now, the subject at hand is 'what can I do to avoid Alice and remain peaceful before it is time to go on holiday?' but I don't know what to do. Emmett and Alice and the-unnameable-bad-one are all out of the question, and Carlisle and Esme are out at that Hotel room. Again. I suppose I could go and see Rosalie… but she's playing around with her car. Of course, I do know someone else who, although car obseesed, is a lot of fun. Jacob! The werewolf I love to annoy.

_Ring, ring. Ring, ring._

"Hello?" Jake picked up.

"Hey, Jacob, how are you? What have you been up to? Where have you been lately? Have you missed me? OH MY GOD I THOUGHT YOU WERE **DEAD!**" (Breathe Bella. In! And out. Rinse and repeat 'til no longer necessary.)

A startled Jacob Black replied. "Oh, hey there Bella, I'm fine. Err, are you okay?"

"Sure, never better!" I chirped.

"Guess what, Jakey?"

"You've gone temporarily insane? No, wait, you've always been mental." He replied dryly and wryly. I think I heard him mutter something about insane girls falling in love with dangerous creatures, but that could have just been the phone line.

Or not.

"Bella, you're such a freak! How many other girls fall in love with a _vampire_ of all the people…" blah, blah, blah.

I loved Jacob (sort of) but this was just boring.

"You can't even have children with him, Bella!"

"Who said we needed or wanted children? Sometimes it's more fun with out them."

"You're joking! You guys haven't done _that_ yet, have you?"

"Well, not _yet_—"

"—what do you mean, 'not _yet_'?"

Silence from my end. I have an excuse, Diary. What do you say to a question like that?

"What the fuck, Bella?" so he knew. But this was it. Jacob wasn't going to ruin my holiday before I'd even been on it.

I terminated the call. That done, "EDWARD! We're going on holiday!"

"What?"

"WE'RE GOING ON HOLIDAY!"

"Oh. Okay."

Got to go, Diary—plane to catch!

Isabella- Prince Edward Island, here I come!- Marie Swan,

Over and Out.

Okay, so… I wrote. About a year later, I wrote. Has it been a year? I've been writing a novel—time flies fast when you're having fun. So I have a legit reason for leaving this for so long.

My internet is no more. Kaput. Gone. Vanissimo. I am, of course terribly upset about it. You must, therefore, review so I update and feel good again.


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